This Just In From Your Friend and Mine

Dear Writers, Rejected:

I had promised a number of years ago that if I ever placed a short story collection, your readers would be the first to know. I am delighted to report that I am able to fulfill that pledge. My collection, Scouting for the Reaper, has won this year's Hudson Prize and will be published by Black Lawrence Press. Your readers will be amused to know that my total rejection count for creative work now includes slightly more 25,000 rejection letters. I have published slightly more than 200 stories. Mathematics is not my strong suit, so I'll leave it to you to calculate my placement percentage. I thank you for all of your kind words and support over the years.

 Jacob M. Appel

From Today's eBag

Hi Mr. Literary Rejection: Just thought you might wanna know, I received a copy of the latest Bellingham Review (didn't win anything last year, didn't even place) and I read Jacob Appel's "Bait and Switch" which won the Tobias Wolff Award in 2010. Honestly, I was unimpressed. Depressingly this was a rather pedestrian piece of short fiction. Think Judy Blume's "Summer Sisters" meets early Neil Simon only much duller. I don't even think it would have made it into one of the many short story anthologies I had to plow through in college as a liberal arts undergrad. I think this short story winner sort of re-affirms my suspicion that the whole literary anthology awards thing is just a shell game for MFA candidates and other suckers. Sincerely, [Name Redacted--We're anonymous around here]

p.s. I kind of liked Appel's piece.  What do you think?

Relaunching The "Agent 4 Appel" Campaign!

Congratulations once again, Jacob Appel, for winning yet another prestigious  literary award! It's unbelievable that certain agents just don't see how incredible this bro is. (Anyway, we love you, man.) Seriously, isn't there an agent out there who wants in on a piece of this promising action?  Come on, this guys got PhDs and New York Times writing credits, and has won practically every single illustrious writing award there is.  Doesn't someone young, hungry agent want to contact him, sell his books, and restore our faith in the world? Think of what a great blogosphere story it will make for the media, for you, for Jacob Appel. Drop me a line, and I'll put you in touch. Please, I'm begging you.

From The Editors of The Journal at The Ohio State University

Says the anonymous contributer of the following rejection, "Incidentally, I did not enter this contest but did submit a story to the Journal through their nifty online manager which apparently has a few kinks":

"Dear Writer: The Journal would like to thank you for submitting your story to our seventh annual short story contest judged by Lee K. Abbott. Your entry helped not only to support this contest but also supports The Journal, a diverse forum for literature that seeks to identify new and emerging talent alongside the work of established writers. The stories we received were distinctive, well-written, and moving. Our judge expressed his pleasure at how many wonderful stories there were to choose from and told us what a difficult choice it was to select just one winner. The winning story in this year’s contest is “The Summer of Interrogatory Subversion,” by Jacob M. Appel. Lee K. Abbott wrote of this story: This story meets the industry specifications I mean to champion: a brisk efficiency with exposition, dialogue of the sort heard on the streets hereabouts, interior lives messy and crosswise, scenes rich with detail of the significant sort, characters at the edge or either woe and weal, and an end sticks in the brain long after there’s anything left to read. Here’s a story with verve, shrewd observation of the species, and no interest at all in the familiar, the ordinary, or the already too-much studied. Finally, I applaud this writer’s affection for our kind, never mind how dumb or delightful we betimes are. “The Summer of Interrogatory Subversion” will be published in The Journal’s Autumn/Winter 2010 issue. Congratulations to our winner, and thank you for sharing your work with us. The Editors, The Journal, The Ohio State University, Department of English, 164 W. 17th Avenue, Columbus, OH 43210.

And The Winner Isn't....

Oh, people, people, people. When will you fools see the light?  How could this beautiful, model-type writer person beat out our beloved angel, Jacob Appel?  The man had entered four separate manuscripts, been semi-finalist and finalist for almost all of them.  But does anyone ever choose the dude to bring him to his just place on top of the heap of the literati?  No.  Why is that? Why? But here's what I will tell you: dude's time will come. We just have to be patient.

Jacob Appel Again

Here's another good one from the mailbag. Should we ask the reader to detail his/her plan to "stop" our favorite winning author?  That seems too diabolical. We'll take it as a joke...because it is kind of funny.

"Me Again, W,R. My roommate received her contributor's copy of Cutbank today, and guess who's in it! If you guessed our very own Jacob Appel, you'd be correct. He won their yearly prize...not a surprise...but, and here's the kicker, he won their yearly creative NONFICTION prize. It looks as though Appelonius is branching out. Who knew? Soon none of us will be safe. Got to admire the fellow. And stop him."

From The Mailbag

Several mice wrote in with the following news:

• Jacob Appel apparently also won the Bellingham Review contest
• One of our mice writes to say he is a finalist with Appel for the Hudson Prize; Congrats to you, Mouse. (Come by and leave your name if you want to be publicly lauded.)
• Some other nice mouse sent in a list of interview questions for me to answer; I will see what I can do to sate your curiosity about who I am underneath it all. Maybe I'll post the Q&A tomorrow or Friday.
• Finally, one last mouse wrote to say that she is a semi-finalists in the Leapfrog contest. 

Appelonius x 4

Got this in the mail and even snitched the title of the email to use for this post. Clever mouse to think it up: "Should You Not Have Seen This, Golden Boy Appelonius Has 2 Finalist Collections and 2 SemiFinalist Collections in the Hudson Prize. Not Stories. COLLECTIONS! 4 COLLECTIONS. That's f--king insane." The agents who turned our guy Jacob down are nuts if you ask me. They think no one will buy his books, but how hard would it be to turn his story in to a great hook for the media?  Don't get it.

Letter From Jacob Appel

Dear W,R:

As promised, I wanted to let you know that I have heard back from Betsy Lerner. She went above and beyond the call of duty for a complete stranger, and even sought input from other agents on my behalf, but at the end of the day, a collection of unrelated short stories by an unknown writer is just not a good risk at the moment. That being said, if I ever manage to churn out a novel or a collection of interwoven short stories, I am assured that she would take a serious look at it and would likley help me find the right representation. Ms. Lerner was extremely kind to me, and generous with her time and energy. I'd urge your readers to consider her for a future Golden Kindness Award.

In any case, I am grateful to LROD for all of its efforts on my behalf. And to you, W,R, for your advocacy. If I ever do manage to place a collection, and you reveal your secret identity, you will certainly be thanked profusely in the acknowledgements.

I'll keep you all posted....

Jacob M. Appel

We Are Always A Nation At War It Seems

Happy Memorial Day, Rosemary Ahern, Jacob Appel, Bill Shapiro, and all you crazy writing mice out there! How about we all say a little prayer for an end to war? In the meantime, stay tuned for a special feature on Tuesday with a guest writer. Have a great long weekend, and happy summer to you and yours. Peace out for now.

Jacob Appel Does It Again!

I got this from Sarabande, the Mary McCarthy Prize.  Look at who was a runner up! I guess he has a collection that he's sending out now.  Also, do they write the little note so you'll keep sending in your manuscript even though you're never going to win?  Probably.

A Fish Swims in...Ireland

Jacob Appel strikes again...this time in Europe. (He's tres cosmopolitan, isn't he? Man, I love that guy in an unnatural way.) So, anyway, listen, it's about time to award a new GAK to someone both kind and heroic. I have listed the following nominees with some thoughts about each, but I'm going to let you have your say.

And the nominees are....

• Jacob Appel (the guy who wins when you lose): I know, I know; he already won a GAK, but he just keeps impressing the hell out of me with his kind and humble emails and his incredible literary drive. Also, I think it would be funny to have him win two in a row.
• Betsy Lerner (agent/writer): I know, I know; she's an agent, and therefore a controversial choice, but she is considering our number one nominee for representation, which is more than most agents reading this blog would do. Also, she's a writer; that has to be worth something. After reading her blog, you may think "kindness" is a stretch. But she's vaguely amusing for an agent, no?
• Bill Shapiro (writer/editor/sympathetic dude): I know, I know; you think he wrote the book I should have written, but I have no interest in all that; I'm strictly literary (kiss of death). Bill has done a fine and respectful job promoting our cause; plus he's a super nice guy.

If you'd like to have a write-in ballot, feel free to nominate your own candidate, or yourself, but make sure to say why you deserve a GAK. Otherwise, cast your vote in the comments section, and make a plea for the candidate of your choice, if you are so inclined. I'll make a final decision sometime next week, and we'll all get our tuxes out for the award ceremony.

UPDATE: I had a brief email exchange with Appel who (get this) casts his vote for Bill Shapiro because, he writes, "his book is brilliant and, from everything I've heard of him, he's an extremely classy human being."  Take note all you cynics: his vote is not for himself or for the agent who may still take him on as a client. (He will let us know when that deed is done, he promises.) If that's not integrity, I don't know what is.

You Can't Always Get What You Give

I got a gracious note from our friend, Mr. J. Appel, who kindly promises to bequeath me his vast rejection collection some day. Betsy Lerner offered scotch; I like her style. But no gifts are necessary; there's reward enough in getting a crack at sending our guy over the wall. I also requested a report from the other side when the deed is done. Let's all say a collective prayer for Jacob Appel's short-story collection success. You got to give it away, mice, to see it come back. And if luck never goes your way, if you never get it back, at least you did a mitzvah for some good guy who deserves a publishing break as much as the next writer. Cheer him on!

Where In The World Is Jacob Appel?

Blogging you from the airport today (Hope they don't confiscate my laptop).  I received this anonymous email from a clever LROD Mouser and wanted to share it with you:"I was wondering what happened to Jacob Appel, who has been AWOL for quite a while, when I suddenly stumbled upon this article, and now I know that he is Zelig. Or possibly YOU! If not, I thought that you would wish to know. I loved the part about the 4am email.--PeterPeter PipeCleaner (Not My Real Name)"

It's All About The Title, Dummy

Got this secret missive in the email yesterday: "My friend has an article in next month's Writers Digest. Turns out that your friend, appel, has a snippet in the next Writers Digest as well. It's called "The Art of Entitlement" wherein he claims that the trick to selling stories is clever titles, no more, no less. Figures." Well, that's advice of a different stripe, isn't it? Would that literary success were so easy.

Bug Off: Gina Oschner & Jacob Appel

I received the following letter from "Miss Tiff," who desperately needs your wise opines of the anonymice, so please chime in:

WMD: I have a question for you. Last year I submitted my story, "Green Squid" to Narrative Magazine's contest, and Gina Ochsner won. She already had a big book deal.  I submitted the same story to Perigee this year, and I just got the following message (see below), which made me feel crummy. Not that I lost, but that yet another established writer won. I am sure their stories are as good as mine, or better, but what exactly is the point of writers like Ochsner and Appel competing in these small online contests, which really don't do them any good, but would be a big break for me and other peons? Is it all about the money?

In affectionate frustration,  

Miss Tiff

PS: If you have any good markets to suggest, I'll thank you in advance.
__________________________________________________________
Perigee is pleased to announce the winners of our 2009 Fiction Contest. Fiction Editor Duff Brenna, and our finalist judge James Brown, have selected three winners and two honorable mentions from a selection of 10 finalists.

First Place ($300): "Auscultating in the Fourth Dimension," by Jacob M. Appel.

Second Place ($200): "It Happened to River," by Rachel Allyson Stone.

Third Place ($100): "Camping," by Sarah Lynn Knowles.

Honorable Mentions: "Lessons in House Hunting," by Cynthia Drew; "Past Buckhorn Reservoir," by Elizabeth Kaufman.

Additional Finalists: "Color Me Normal," by Christine Benedict; "Thirty-Nine Minutes," by Sandra Jensen; "A Two-Chambered Heart," by Priyanka Joseph; "Shotgun Levine," by Hesh Kestin; "Population Me," by Kevin O'Neill.

The winning stories will be published in our 25th issue, due out on July 15th, 2009. Our congratulations to the finalists and winners, and our sincerest thanks to all who participated. Special thanks also to our guest judge James Brown. His insight and ear for the craft of storytelling helped make a difficult process easier, and we very much appreciate having had the opportunity to work with him. We invite you to read our note of special thanks by clicking here.

Your Friends in Art,
THE PERIGEE EDITORS

Long Weekend Commemorating War Starts Now

Happy Memorial Day, Rosemary Ahern. 

Happy Memorial Day, Jacob Appel.

May peace prevail.

GAK Winner--Jacob Appel on Abortion

I love it when a reader writes in with an update on our most recent GAK! Winner.  Where in the world is Jacob Appel?  Apprently everywhere:

A hero on trial

Re “Abortion doctor’s trial to start,” March 15

The Times' article on the upcoming trial of Kansas abortion provider George Tiller certainly conveyed the animosity that abortion opponents feel toward his work, but I am not sure it captured fully the degree to which abortion-rights supporters, such as myself, hold him in esteem. To many progressive Americans, George Tiller is a genuine hero who ranks alongside Susan B. Anthony and Martin Luther King Jr. in the pantheon of defenders of human liberty.  Although one need not agree with this assessment of Tiller, the intensity of this brave man's support among his admirers should not be underestimated.

Jacob M. Appel
New York
The author teaches bioethics at New York University.

Appel Words of Wisdom: Part II

Here's a continuation from yesterday's post, in which I ran some highlights from Jacob Appel's article in Poets & Writers entitled "The Case for Contests."  (More highlights just for you, little rodents):  

"Of course, multiple submissions can be costly. While a single contest fee is not going to drive even the poorest writer into bankruptcy, once one starts sending out ten- and twenty-dollar checks by the handful, the sacrifices entailed may seem prohibitive. Yet I urge my students to submit their fees anyway.  Find a way!  If they were studying to be physicians or attorneys, I remind them, they would pay far greater sums for multiple years of schooling--banking on a future payoff.  To my mind, creative writing is as much a career as medicine or law, even if the odds of meaningful financial gain are considerably lower (especially if you are a poet)....

...

"What appeal to me most about writing contests, on a personal level, is that somebody has to win.  Well, I should qualify that.  Occasionally, a final judge declines to declare a victor and the sponsor pockets the entry fees anyway.  But for the most part, somebody walks away with a garland and a large check and an entree into the literary limelight.  At a time when more and more structural barriers and layers of protection prevent obscure and emerging writers from having their work considered by major publishing houses, or published in glossy magazines--and ultimately landing on bookstore and library shelves--the literary competition is the unknown author's best friend.  A good contest opens doors to anybody with a ten- or fifteen-dollar check and a brilliant work of original literature..."

Oh, wait, one more part of Appel's article for a little hair-raising fun!  I thought it was interesting:  "Several years ago," writes Appel, "I entered the St. Louis Short Story Competition, a contest with a five-dollar entry fee and a five-thousand-dollar grand prize.  To my delight, my story "Counting" was declared the grand-prize winner on the competition's Web site.  Alas, the swindlers administering the contest never paid up.  (I do not take such matters lightly, as bad actors of this sort tarnish the reputation of contests more generally.  In fact I pursued the matter with law enforcement authorities in Missouri--up to and including the state's attorney general--and the FBI. The investigation is ongoing; the mills of justice grind finely, but slowly.)  Even under these exasperating circumstances, a contest victory succeeded in garnering me multiple inquires from reputable agents who had read my "winning" story on the Internet."

Appel Words of Wisdom: Part I

I very much enjoyed Jacob M. Appel's intelligent article in Poets & Writers entitled "The Case for Contests." Unfortunately the article is not online, so as a labor of love, I have typed out some highlights and excerpts and posted them here:

"I confess I enjoy paying fees to enter writing contests.  One of the decadent pleasures of my week is cuddling up with my checkbook on Friday afternoon and doling out my meager earnings to literary journals in ten-and fifteen-dollar increments.  I have been entering fiction contests relentlessly, if not compulsively, for the better part of two decades--and over time.  I have garnered my modest share of first-place finishes and an even greater number of honorable mentions....I have also lost my share of contests--hundreds of them, possibly thousands--including many to which I have submitted my work, years after year, since my college days  So as a battle-scarred veteran of the contest circuit, nothing disturbs me more than those naysayer who chronically deride participation in these literary competitions, which I continue to believe present one of the most rewarding and fair opportunities available to emerging writers.

"The critique often goes something like this: In no other creative enterprise are aspiring artists expected to fork over money for an opportunity to have their work considered by a self-perpetuating band of aesthetic gatekeepers.  Up-and-coming composers don't send their original scores to the Boston Pops with entry fees enclosed.  Including a money order or certified check will not convince the New Yorker to publish your political cartoons.  So what right do literary journals have in asking young writers--many of whom can hardly pay their rent or feed their pets--to dish out hard cash for the mere chance of publication?

....

"The greatest selling point for contests is that they level the playing field in two distinct ways.  First, in all but a few competitions, they offer each contestant an assessment of the work by a judge who does not know the author's identity.  To paraphrase the caption of the celebrated Peter Steiner cartoon, "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog," in the submission pool of literary contests, nobody knows you're not Alice Munro or Joyce Carol Oates.

        ....

"Occasionally I am asked--usually by a student--if there's a trick to winning writing contests.  After all, the names of the same emerging writers appear frequently on the list of winners of various contests, suggesting that these individuals must be doing something right.  Most likely, I imagine, they are writing good poems and stories that deserve to receive accolades and inquiries from agents.  At the same time, I do believe there are a few rules of thumb that increase the one's odds to taking a bow in the winner's circle.  My best advice is that one should submit to contests early and often.  The benefit of submitting early is that many competitions read and evaluate the work as it arrives, yet most of the submissions show up within days of the final deadline.  For these competitions, the advantage of submitting at the first opportunity is a well-considered and thorough read by a judge who is not yet downing in entries.  The reason for submitting often is that tastes differ widely and a story or poem that appeals to one judge may not suit the appetite of another."

Stay tuned for more excerpted appearls tomorrow.