The Query: Queer-Eyed

I sigh for the queer query letter, that strange beast. So much is made of it...so very much. Here is Jane Friedman's take on its 5 essential elements. (Remember the other Jane Friedman? She got fired from her position as CEO of HarperCollins and is starting an eBook enterprise.) Anyway, for the query, it goes like this: (1) personalization, (2) hook, (3) bio, (4) basic info, (5) opening/closing. Sounds reasonable....zzzzzzzzz

Same Old, Same Old

How many years have they been talking about "today's extremely competitive market"? Now it's just dead. Funny how this is precisely the moment I finally finish my own novel. (Ta-da, everybody...radio silence.)

Who Loves to Love You, Baby?

All right, all you anonymice, here's one more rejection from me. I've got the novel out with one more agent and also an editor at a small publishing house (most likely a no-go). So, I think I am drawing to the close of this particular push toward my dream. I feel a little sheepish about this statement. And I hate to be contrary to the philosophy of "The Secret," but I'm forced to be a realist. I'm going to give it a rest for awhile after the final rejections come in, and start on something new. Or not. Whatever. I'm a wee depressed at the moment, so nothing feels very interesting. Maybe, a nap.

Anyway, here's the latest:

Dear Writer, Rejected

I would have loved to have loved this novel.

But I just didn't fall for the voice as much as I need to in these parlous fiction times. I hope one of the other readers is eager to represent the book. I've been wrong so many times on what might sell--countless. And I'd bet you can count on my being wrong on this one.

I do wish you great good success with the book.

Best, Agenty McAgent

p.s. Parlous--really? Didn't that word go out with Henry VIII?

Don't Shoot Your Web

What I wouldn't give to have Spidey on the corner of my next rejection. Speaking of...I'm pretty sure I've got three new ones on the way. Just a feeling. I've had a bad. I'm going to have to figure out how to let go and get going on the next project. Not easy, I fear. Not easy.

Really -- Bed Bugs?

So, did you hear about the infestation at Penguin Group? Talk about a plague upon your (publishing) house. It makes you wonder what's next, doesn't it? Boils, Frogs, more Fake Memoirs.

When The New Yorker Used Typewriters

Remember?

Glad You Survived...But Your Work is Not Suitable

Let's say you survive 18 months in Auschwitz, as a teenager, and afterward, your girlfriend urges you to send an excerpt from the memoir you've written of your incredible life to the Saturday Evening Post and Harper's...and they reject you. I mean, crap-on-a-cracker, publish the guy. Am I wrong? Anyway, Pierre Berg got with a writer and published this book, so it worked out in the end. I am hopeful that it always does, but I'll let you know.

I Had To Use the Rest Room

I was in a Barnes & Noble this evening after watching that movie Julie & Julia -- you know, the one about publishing -- and I noticed that all the posters for book signings and readings were for celebrity authors. (Seriously, Juliette Binoche, Wallace Shawn, and Daryl Hannah.) It's just so distressing. I don't tend to stop into big bookstore chains anymore...they make my skin crawl and they dash my hopes to the ground every time. It's kind of like believing that if you write a good book, it will get published, only to learn that it's just too late for you. And yet, there it was in living color, 4 stories of shelves jam-packed with other people's books for sale. Honestly, sometimes I just don't get it.

Not What The 5th Wall Wants

There was no explanation with this rejection letter, but I believe The 5th Wall sent back writer Elaine Hatfield's query letter with the following notations to indicate they were not going to publish her short story.

Famous Blogger=Blook Deals Galore

This cracked me up. Luckily, I think fame is overrated.

Luck With Your Next

Here's one from Merwin circa 1949. Love the old ones; makes me feel part of a venerable tradition.

There Is Always a Cost, Dear One

“The birth of the reader must be at the cost of the death of the author”

- Roland Barthes

True? Is this why it sometimes feels terrible to let a book go on the shelves? Discuss.

Does This Make You Feel Any Better?

Staff writer Robert J. Hughes wrote an article called "Randomness and Rejection," in the WSJ, explaining how a chapter in Leonard Mlodinow's book The Drunkard's Walk: How Randomness Rules Our Lives describes a number of big-time writers whose early works were, at first, rejected by publishers. "Many books destined for great success had to survive not just rejection, but repeated rejection," Mr. Mlodinow writes. "There exists a vast gulf of randomness and uncertainty between the creation of a great novel...and the presence of huge stacks of that novel...at the front of thousands of retail outlets."

The Rejection Code

Author Brian Falkner wrote this funny rejection and presented it at a bookrapt seminar talk entitled "Birth of a Novel--Rejection -- Redemption -- and the Road to The Long White Cloud" in 2007. Writes Bookrapt: "Brian's first attempt at becoming a published writer was with a children's book. It was rejected.His second attempt was a psychological thriller. It was rejected. His third attempt was a short story. It was rejected. His fourth attempt was a play. It was rejected. His fifth attempt was a screenplay for Shortland Street. It was rejected (before it was even written). His sixth attempt was a romance novel. It was rejected. His seventh attempt was a screenplay for the NZ Film Commission. It was rejected. His eighth attempt was a screenplay for a James Bond movie. It was rejected. And he was threatened with legal action for using the James Bond character. His ninth attempt was a novel for young adults. Scholastic rejected it. Harper Collins rejected it with a full page letter telling him how appalling they thought it was. Mallinson Rendel LOVED IT!!!"

In Case You're Sick of It

Not that I'm promoting smashwords.com, but I have to say, it's an apt banner ad. These guys should advertise on LROD, right?