Count Down Day 23: Literary Agencies I Have Known and Cursed

I always thought I'd find a literary agent who would be my bestie forever and ever, but, alas, it didn't work out that way. In fact, I've had a series of ephemeral literary representatives who either I fired, or who left the business for a pregnancy, a retirement, a job in another field, a jazz career, or a prompt dismissal because she really hadn't agreed to be my agent in any official way, anyway. The latter is always the most heartbreaking: you work and work on the edits the agent offers and when you can't get it just so, they drop you like a hot potato. "Sorry, I just don't know how to go any further with this," or some such. The kiss off. But, what can you do? Most of these associations were tenuous at best. None of the agents were my BFF, and none of them will probably be that to me. I do still have Secret Agent Man still on my side for the non-fiction book I am writing, but that, too, is taking a long, long time, and who knows how patient he will be with me. Very, I hope.

They're Heeeeeeere!

First copies of the published novel have arrived! Release date November 11th! Everything is going swimmingly. One weird thing: Publisher's Weekly has changed its book review submission process from the old fashioned usual way to an online system. Do people know about this?  The new system went live in June and is called GalleyTracker. However, my galley was ready in March, so the publisher sent it the old fashioned way, but now there is some question about whether or not this will create a glitch, and whether or not my novel will get reviewed. My first book (of stories) was reviewed by PW, so you would think that maybe it would normally get a small review, a nod, perhaps a nice little star? But, alas, there's nothing one can do about it. The novel either will or won't be reviewed. Is anyone else having this issue? Just wondering.

Despite a Thousand Rejections

Despite all evidence to the contrary, I was surprised that among the 1,316 prose applicants to the NEA this year, I was not among the 38 chosen.  Those seemed like such reasonable odds to me, and I was surprised at how few had applied and how many had been short listed.  But, alas, it wasn't to be.  I wonder: after so many years rejected, what makes a person go on believing so strongly that each submission is going to end in success?  Any ideas on this, mice? Surely, if anybody has the answer it will be among your legion.

Fiddlesticks!

I don't like that whole publishing "cheers!" thing, which reminds me of "alas," like we need a shorthand for their chipper or remorseful emotions, but I do like this guy's style. It's always nice to say something positive, just like Mother taught us. Rejection sent in from an LROD reader:

We enjoyed reading your work, but "Title" is not quite the right fit for Fiddleblack, so we'll have to pass. Nice rhythm in your voice, though. Thanks for thinking of us as a possible publisher of your work, and best of luck with this piece. Cheers.

Jason Cook, Founding Editor | Fiddleblack ltd
(216) 200-8040 · http://fiddleblack.org

Delighting in Rejecting You

Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jub Jub bird
And shun the frumious bandersnatch!

One Reader Felt...

Too much detail, too slow: a border-line case. Alas.

Failed Attempts and Rejection for Little Success

Ah, reality, such a bummer.  And yet good of an established writer to deliver the blow so nicely through the post.

Neither One Thing Nor The Other

Leave it to Edward Gorey to offer this most charming rejection to a speaking engagement.  Also, he has a nice signature.  I hereby decree that Gorey is the only one allowed to use the word "Alas," and of course he is dead.  Agents be warned; you do not carry it off as well, so please stop your verbal sighing.

Suck Face, Indeed!

While I have only ever tried to get a book or 3 in print, not a word into the lexicon, I thought this was a cute rejection. Click to enlarge and read.  I think I would have rejected "suck face" with this particular definition, too...and I rarely reject anything. Alas.

Close Call, But No Luck

A friend in the publishing industry told me yesterday that very good books by established writers are being rejected for being "too quiet." This applies to books about floods, rape, and radical undergrounds and war. My friend also told me that generally no editor is buying books unless the book is guaranteed to make $100,000.00 over the advance. This is depressing. And it also perhaps explains the following rejection , which I received very recently concerning my finally completed novel: "I so apologize for taking this long with the manuscript. I’ve been waiting for some kind of extreme intervention to swoop down and change my response, but, alas, it has failed to come. I loved the novel, and I did have a tremendous amount of deja-vu when reading and remembering the things that attracted me the first time. The wonderful family dynamic, the sense of place, the individual characters within the family. But, I couldn’t help thinking, visa-vi the “business” of publishing (I HATE when that creeps into my reading experience), I bet I COULD have sold this years ago, but now I think the only response I would receive from editors is “this is too quiet.” It sucks that this is the current attitude in mainstream publishing. And, I have very recently received this annoying response consistently in response to novels I submitted that, like yours, are beautifully written and well drawn..." It is ironic to have worked for so many years writing and rewriting, only to unveil (ta-da) at a time when we are at the absolute nadir of book-buying. Well, alas, indeed. I got close, folks. That interested editor from the wonderful publishing house, who loved the novel, passed it on to her colleague and I've been waiting for weeks on end to see if it was going to happen for me. However, the second editor wasn't as convinced, even though she wrote: "I am very impressed with your writing and found myself needing to read to the end to see what happened to [the two main characters], and to the rest of the family. You've done a great job embedding a spooky sense of mystery in these pages." She still rejected it, because the story wasn't for her and she felt that the balance at the end was slightly off; so I guess she wasn't impressed enough.


BTW, she is Lauren Wein at Grove.

Sorry, We Only Publish Fakes

Here's a story you can find in full over at A Salted Blog.  Seems the writer sent out a flash fiction piece to an unnamed literary journal, and got a rejection back immediately.  Says the writer, "The editor said he didn't like it, he thought it was unrefined and sloppy writing that needed revision. Right. Cheers. Anyway, I thought he was a bit rude, but assumed he is a young dude trying to make a name as a fearsome editor of scrupulously worded fiction. I told a writer friend, who went to a greeking generator and mixed up some chunks of random text with expletives, and sent it to the editor along with a preposterous bio."  Long story short, the editor published the bunk piece of writing.  Alas, they do love the f-word.

Oops...Please Ignore Our F**** Up

Responding to yesterday's form letter, an anonymous LROD reader sent me this missive:

I recently got a form rejection from an agent's assistant complete with the whole shebang about somebody else will surely see my bright talent, but "alas" not anybody at this agency.  About a week later, I received a letter from the actual agent apologizing for the form letter, telling me he liked my work, and asking if he could see something else. 

But guess what?  It was too late.  I'd already signed with somebody else.

(Wow; they sound highly organized.)  For you, it must have been one happy week! 

 

Build Your Own Rejection Letter!

Oooh!  What fun! 

It's a create your own literary rejection by Anna Richenda.  Very futuristic, don't you think?  

You just fill in the phrasing with a pull down menu and get to view the final letter!  If you like the agent rejection, you'll probably just love the lit mag version too. 

Brilliant.  Wish I'd thought of it.

Here's one I created:

EZ Literary Agency

1534 Editor Ave
Rejection City, WA 55555

Dear Writer, Rejected:

Enclosed please find a few pages my assistant found in the bathroom. Um....I think they're yours. (Sorry.)

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to consider your manuscript, but I am unable to offer you representation at this time because, though I loved your novel, that was yesterday. Today I love something else more. (No, I don't have ADD.)

Another reason I must decline to represent you is that your manuscript isn't a variation on some existing bestseller. Can you write a cute animal mystery, please? I'm freaking out, here. In addition, this work is visionary and will likely win the Nobel Prize for Literature--and you know how boring those books are.

A few words of advice. Please don't call and email me a thousand times a day. That's called stalking. In closing, I have filed a restraining order against you, so don't get any ideas.

The very warmest of regards,

Gifford Regnal-Symes
Mailroom Assistant Trainee

The only thing it's missing is a pull down menu choice for "alas"!

Pop Military Rejections

The blogger over at How to Be an American Housewife bravely shares rejections for her commercial pop/military romance in a post entitled "Rejection Gallery."   It is worth a hop over there, though I'd wished that names had been named.

Here are some stand-out publishing rejection lines from the gallery:

1) This is a fun, well-told story, but I’m afraid that in the end we just didn’t feel it had enough of a hook or high-concept...
2) ...Overall the storytelling wasn’t what I hoped it would be.
3) I absolutely would love to see it again, in the event you don’t sell it now. [Huh? Why not just buy it now?]
4) It’s cute and she’s adorable, but I’m not in love with it. I wanted it to be more traditionally military oriented. I don’t see this story line hitting home with the military audience
5) ...the heroine is a little rough around the edges at points.
6) She is a wonderful writer but I feel the novel doesn’t have enough narrative drive.
7) The voice is pretty quiet and a bit flat, but its supposed to be the voice of a young pop princess with this crazy life, dealing with the tragedy of her parents dying. It seems to be stuck in between commercial and literary, in content and style, which is not necessarily a negative thing–it could be a new, innovative way of revitalizing chick-lit.

Alas.  If Brittney Spears Meets the Military can't convince these people to buy, then we are lost! But stop by and give that housewife some cheering up.  It looks like she's onto something and may just need another rewriter.

You Are Promising, We Are Still Rejecting

I found this one at Otnipenop Blog (an anagram of the writing blogger's last name); the rejection is from a Tin House editor:

“Alas the editors have decided to pass. There were mixed opinions, but all agreed you have great promise.”

Amazingly, the writer is still very happy. I might be depressed even more, but, you know, that's me.  (Plus, what's hip Tin House doing using the A-word?)

Blog Articles on Rejection

In case you need a little bolstering of the spirit today, here's some stuff to read:

• Moira Allen on "Coping with Rejection" at writing-world.com
  
• Laurie Pawlik-Klenlen (say that name 5 times fast) on "5 Steps to Building Resiliency: Facing Rejection & Bouncing Back After You've Failed" at Suite101.com
• Coping. org (tagline: We remember.) offers a how-to-overcome piece called "Handling Fear of Rejection" (Translation available in Chinese, French, German, Italian, Japanese, Korean, Portuguese, and Spanish)
• Topdatingtips.com offers up "Tips for Dealing with Rejection," which applies to literary rejection if you squint your eyes a little while reading
• Wikipedia offers this on the Rejection Letter. I would add LROD as an external link if I had even the first clue about how wikipedia actually works, but I do not. Alas, as they say.

The Agent Question

A great question came in from the anonymice peanut gallery. This one will probably rile up the agents, but what the heck. We already stirred up some editors. Let's see what you all think.

"I'm feeling quite anxious and I have a request for you, WR.

Been a while since anyone has had any good agent gossip but some time back there was a discussion about how no agents today were like Binky Urban or The Jackal Andrew Wylie or even tried to be like them. Cynic that I am, I (alas) have to agree with that sentiment. I feel that "serious" writers are basically SOL right now.

And when I see stuff like the newest agent at Lippincott, Massie, McQuilkin who is responsible for "The Handjob Handbook: A Work of Non-Friction " (sorry) or the agent at Levine Greenberg who herself is writing some kind of "diarrhea cookbook" (sorry) or the young agent whose "cutting-edge" interests includes a new dictionary for descriptions of the sex act (sorry), well I get more than anxious.

So if you're soliciting another Ask LROD, I would like to know: who are the best serious literary agents out there now (under 65, please, but preferably under 50)? Any up-and-comers worthy of note, agents who wouldn't be caught dead peddling the above tomes? Or are all agents (especially the young ones) basically incompetent, rude idiots now, too?"

This Week In Rejections

• David Williams over at The Soundcheck & The Fury, offers some interesting words on literary rejections. A highlight: "I wish editors would find a new way to say, "Sorry, but we didn't get off on your story." Because either you do or you don't. That's what it comes down to, always. That's everybody's literary "need" -- to read a story and be moved by it, staggered by the thing."


• Blogging Literary Agent (Bliterary Agent) Nathan Bransford of Curtis Brown shares his rejection letter here. It's total standard fare: "Thank you for your recent letter. I regret to say that I don’t feel that I’m the most appropriate agent for your work. However, opinions vary considerably in this business, and I wish you the best of luck in your search for representation." At least he doesn't say "Alas!"


• Jessica at BookEnds LLC, a Bliterary Agency Online, offers advice about how to fire an agent who won't answer the phone. It's an amusing answers to an amusing question.


• In an interesting interview, Bliterary Agent Kate Schafer of KT Literary (also bloggingly, and somewhat unfortunately, known as Daphne Unfeasible), says: "I hate the rejection as much as authors do. Also, seeing a book you love and have worked with the author and the editor on for years not do as well as you all hoped is tough too."

Alas, I Fear

An anonymous LROD reader sent in this irritating rejection, received from a non-mainstream press: Dear Writer, Rejected: I think that what you have here is a wonderful , original idea. But, alas, I fear it is much better an idea than it would be a book. Still, I would like very much for you to prove me wrong, and I wish you all success with this proposal. Signed, (Annoying) Editor

Our rejected writer added this comment: "So much for the theory that originality is the domain of the small press."

Indeed. (Prove this wrong.)

Mclean's Idiot SavAgency

This is a rejection letter from Laurie McLean, an agent with Michael Larsen and Elizabeth Pomada at an agency they call Agent Savant, or maybe that's the name of Laurie's blog. I don't know. Anyway, this letter is so incredible that I think I will let it speak for itself (with thanks and condolences to the reader who sent it to me):

"Dear Writer: Thank you for sharing your work with me. I know that writing a book is a time-consuming and emotional process, so I appreciate the effort you have expended to reach this point in your publishing journey. Alas, I must reject what you have been kind enough to submit. Like the rest of the arts, publishing is a very subjective business. Even though the founders of the agency have written or coauthored 14 books, most of which have been successful, they still get rejected. And although we have sold books to more than 100 publishers since 1972, our clients' work is still rejected. Nor do all of the books that we sell succeed. Michael, Elizabeth and I are eager to find new books and writers, and we love to get excited about them. But the only way we can make a living is by selling books to the large and medium-sized New York publishers, and selling small books by new writers to big publishers is becoming more difficult. So finding new writers is the hardest part of our job. And it's getting harder. Like editors, we receive thousands of submissions a year and reject more than ninety percent of them. This forces us to use a form letter. But rejecting manuscripts that become successful books is a publishing tradition. Assume we're wrong. Persevere until your books reach the goals you set for them. I can't suggest a publisher or an agent who might be interested in a particular writer's work, but directories, your publishing network, and the Association of Authors' Representatives might lead you to the agent you need. Persistence rewards talent. I can't make a living saying no, but as author Joe Girard says: 'Every no gets you closer to yes.'"

Why is she quoting Joe Girard? "Every no gets you closer to yes?" Does she think we are cheesey motivational salesmen? One word: pukey.