Count Down Day 19--Uncool Agent Delivers An Electronic Kick in the Nuts to This Outraged Writer

I am interrupting this regularly scheduled count down to post a rejection sent in by an LROD reader today. It's a particularly weird one, both overly personal and dramatic, and yet kind of insincere. The first line also might mislead a hopeful writer into thinking that "it's finally happened" means that his/her book is being chosen for representation. Uncool, if you ask me, or maybe just insensitive, but you decide for yourself. Here it is:

Dear Author,

Well, it's finally happened: after over thirty years of answering every query letter that has ever come my way, I've been forced to finally acknowledge that a new era is upon us all.  Before the arrival of e-mail submissions, I used to receive perhaps one hundred queries a week.  That was a lot of queries but it wasn't frankly unmanageable.  The Friedrich Agency now receives more than twice that on a daily basis and it's becoming impossible to attend to much of anything else!  I'm so sorry for the impersonal response, I hate to do this.  Writing a good book or a good proposal is among the hardest things in the world to do; I promise, we're not unsympathetic!  You have our word that we are reading every single query letter that comes our way, but from now on, we're only responding personally if we're sufficiently curious and would like to read further. Please don't take offense at this Draconian measure-- there is undoubtedly a wonderful agent out there for whom your book might just be the perfect match. Toward that end, we wish you all the best!

Take care,
Molly Friedrich

As the receiver of this rejection said: "I mean seriously, starting a pass with, 'Well, it's finally happened,' is a real kick in the nuts. As if anyone's gonna celebrate an agent switching to electronic form rejections. C'mon, man."

Imagine Your Rejection for Playboy's Playmate of the Month

Never mind about getting fiction rejected from these hallowed pages. Imagine the sting of getting your tender nude and naked body rejected! AND the editors assert that they have viewed your photos carefully...indeed, I bet they have. Luckily, they still affirm that you are an attractive young lady, which must be similar to the old trope: "You are a fine writer, gentle madam (or good sir) storyteller." I guess it's a good thing they don't offer anything more specific about size, shape or relative perkiness, if you know what I'm saying. Still....ouchy! My bellybutton is pretty and deserves to be on display. Just sayin'.

Did This Rejecting Editor Just Tell This Writer to Grow Up? That Ain't Right....

With all the talk these days for and against YA books, it seems to me that this author is taking his/her life in his/her hands. It says:  "I'd like to see something grown up." Editors are always telling writers what they'd like to see. I think it's playing with fire to do so, unless you really know the writer, or really know what you are talking about.  One time, an agent really messed me up with her "idea" about what my novel should be. Another time I let an editor I trust very much line-edit the voice right out of my novel. I learned some hard lessons. Mostly it's best to be edited by someone who LOVES your work. Here, I think I wouldn't send more work to this person, who doesn't like kid narrators or teenage subject matter. I personally think the comment is pretty insulting. Then again, sometimes it's hard to pass up an editor who asks to see more of your work. What would you do?

Petition Against Book Bullies (AKA: Everyone's A Friggin'Critic)

Mice: I am in the midst of sending out queries to book bloggers and reviewers and book clubs because it is only 22 weeks before my book is released. Okay, that sounds like an eternity, but nonetheless, it's good to keep on top of these things and get as many outlets to agree to review the book as possible, or so I'm told.  Speaking of book reviews, there appears to be a petition going around at change.org against the nasty unwashed book bullies at Amazon. Among the many signers of the petition: Anne Rice. What can you do?  It's like Jules Renard says: "Writing is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to those who have none.” That said, just for fun, how about a little look-see at some funny book reviews of classic novels as written by some geniuses on Amazon (presented by the Huffington Post).

You Are TOO Dumb to Work Here

Is this the nightmare-iest HR executive return application letter ever? Can you imagine applying for a job at Trader Joe's and getting this horror show back as your rejection letter?  I mean, maybe the poor, young applicant seriously dodged a bullet by missing this hiring opportunity by this sadistic individual. I mean, a lesson to young person is one thing, a humiliation is quite another.  Am I wrong? 

Help! Someone Knocked Me Down and Stole My Shoes!

Some people have a lot of nerve, ripping off blogs with no shame.  Literary Rejections sprouted up like a weed in 2014 (i.e., the last 11 days), claiming to be the "official website."  Official, my ass. What does that even mean? Official of what? Ah, well, some people are truly full of douchery, am I right? Here's what s/he writes about the :

Giving a Voice to Those Without a Publishing Deal

The quest to be read consumes the life of the writer. Doors too often close in their face. Rejection dangles the temptation to quit before their eyes on a frequent basis. Their prose is silent, as are their voices. Unpublished writers are some of the most dedicated, hardworking, unrewarded creative individuals on the planet. Their stories of rejection, and their journeys to the promised land of a publishing deal, matter. They embody the relentless ambition of a dream. They remind the publishing industry that talent is always knocking on the door. That no matter how many no’s they hear they will never give up. It is not an option. Writing is what makes them who they are. It defines them. This site will give them a voice. Through a series of blog posts, writers from across all genres and countries will be able to share their personal experiences of rejection. This community will help each other, and inspire those about to embark on the arduous journey to print.

BTW, you'll be relieved to know that the site declares it will not charge you any dues to be a member of the site.  Weirdly, it is a hugely extensive undertaking, but its owners ripped off some other ideas and a few of my branding elements, as displayed above. I don't know how I'm going to get behind this grand effort. I'll have to mull it over and get in touch with my more generous self.

An Eye-Opener For Writing Students

It's so nice when you all send me the juicy stuff. Maybe I should have a rejection contest. You can send in your most notable one. Anyway, a reader sent this note in with the above rejection:

Dear WR: Above a rejection I received in 1978 from a magazine called Samisdat. I'd just gotten out of grad school and was submitting my work for the first time. The original rejection was written in red ink, which added extra punch to the impact of the note. I was so stunned and deflated by the brutality of the rejection that I stopped writing for several months. I probably would have stopped writing permanently if I had any choice in the matter, but I think writers write no matter what -- we can't stop ourselves (or be stopped by others). And most of us also feel compelled to send our writing to magazines in hopes that it will be published (Emily D. being a notable exception). 

While the letter devastated me when I got it, what strikes me most about it now is the odd shifts in tone, from sympathetic understanding (he only read my poems because I must be sincere) to belligerent attack (my poems were the kind of shit that would get written in a detox ward) to folksy comaraderie (say "howdy" to David) to full-on crazy (piss on Kennedy's eternal flame). Not to mention the part where he justifies his attack in the name of honesty.

I often show the letter to my creative writing students, who are understandably eager to submit their writing and see it in print. It never fails to make an impression. In the stunned silence after I finish reading the letter aloud, I tell them that the first rule of submitting your work is to know your audience -- to become familiar with the magazine before you submit to it, not after. And I tell them to ask themselves if they're ready to receive a letter like this one.

Here's a transcript of the rejection, which is a little hard to read: 

I customarily don't read photocopied submissions. Made an exception in your case because you did order a sample copy, an indication of either wealth or sincerity, and I've not met a rich poet yet.  But, truth to tell, I'm inclined to wish I hadn't read these.  There's not a damned thing positive or encouraging I can say.  They're adjective-heavy, _____, trite, self-conscious, borderline incoherant (sic), the sort of shit I'd expect from a beginning writing class held in a de-tox ward. Miscarriage is best of the lot, but the person gets lost in your effort to be poetic. What you really need is a good dose of The Pillory Poetics RSV; your sample order was short 50 cents and so wouldn't normally get it, but I'm tossing it in anyway, trusting you'll either pay up or return it, preferable after careful reading.

Now I know I'm five kinds of bastard, six of motherfucker. You don't need to tell me--but I need to be what I am to tell you the above, giving you (hopefully) some new perspective, either constructive or destructive or what you make of it. Arlington, eh? Say howdy to David Greisman of Abbey for me, if you know him, and piss on Kennedy's eternal flame for me if you get the chance. (I hold the bastard responsible for Vietnam, detaching the CIA from direct Congressional supervision, and miscellaneous other crimes against humanity based on Happy Days! idealism.  Regards, _____________, (Editor of Samisdat) 

Here's the flyer, on the back of which the above note was scrawled:

Would be hard to believe it weren't posted here in living color/black-and-white, wouldn't it?

"Dear Pretentious Literary Journal"

I guess he told them off but good. Six years! That's got to be a record.

Reader, Can You Spare A Dime?

The handwritten note on this one says: "Some parts do show a mature style." It's signed by the ghostly "Reader" (my favorite). Jesus, really? That's all you got? That's what you can spare? Probably better to leave it as a form letter if you're going to be that stingy.  Maybe that's what you get when a publishing company calls itself the "Blah-Blah-Blah Corporation."  Remember the days when publishing companies seemed like cozy families: MacMillan & Sons, William Collins & Sons, G.P. Putnam's Sons, Harper & Row?  Well, all right, maybe that's a lot of sons, but you get my point. Media conglomerations (still mainly sons of bitches) do not a family make.

One Word Is All It Takes

A friend of mine told me on the phone yesterday about the best rejection he ever received; I made him swear he was going to send it to me via e, but I should have made him triple swear. He said it was from a literary magazine, and would look to see which one, but here's what it said: "Nope." Just a single colloquialism. Have you ever?  I do not even really mean that rhetorically: have you ever gotten such a decisive turn down? Personally, I think it's rude.

Coulter is Guilty...Just See the Jacket of Her Book

I heard somewhere once that resentment is like taking poison to harm your enemy, not so efficient.  For that reasons, I personally try not to hate or resent people.  And I do a pretty good job.  There are very, very, very few people I let goad me into a place of disdain.  However, Ann Coulter, is one of those people.  I know it's not politically correct, I know Obama would probably disapprove of such a partisan perspective, but I truly despise her idiotic logic and rabid personality.  Yuck.  Anyway, my little rant aside, here' s a depressing gander at a piece about the books on the current and future NYT Best Seller List.  Hint: It's not good news.

Your Rejection Only Makes Me Dance

A publisher accidentally sent Susan Messer private notes about a manuscript. Once she recovered from her devastation, she decided to turn the hurtful words into a performance piece entitled, "Rejection Rhumba." The sound is muffled, but you get the idea.

At Least I'm Not a Female Playwright

The New York Times recently ran an article ("Rethinking Gender Bias in Theater") reporting on an academic study that found discrimination in the theater community against female playwrights.  I'm not sure why this would be a shock to anybody: you can count on one hand plays by women that make it to the big stage, and certainly the people affected are well aware of the problem. But it appears to be causing quite a stir.  Other articles on the topic appear in Bloomberg, Critical Difference Blog, New York Magazine, and Salon.

Fiction Villian

An LROD reader writes that s/he was accepted at Fictionville, Yay!  But five minutes after sending in a picture and bio, the fickle editor of the journal "changed his mind." The editor claimed it had nothing to do with the photo and bio, but with the story. Says the writer: "I ain't even that bad looking."

Who's The Awful One?

The poet David Hernandez posted this on his website.  (See the address on the stationery.)  He passes some doozies.

Worse Than Imaginable

My dad died unexpectedly.  I will be offline for a few days.  (And I thought literary rejection was a bummer.)

Yo Mama Mama!

You have to read down to the very last line to get the horror of this particular call for submissions:

Hip Mama Fiction Contest

It's time to make something up! ~~~
For all of you beautiful liars out there- Hip Mama is gonna be breaking some fresh ground and doing a Short Story Contest judged by Kerlin Richter and Ariel Gore.

First Prize is $100, your Short Story as the feature in issue 44, the Creativity issue, along with a profile and picture of your brilliant self, AND a Lifetime Subscription to Hip Mama (we don't even sell lifetime subscriptions anymore).

Ten runners up will get a four issue subscription, their names and story titles in the zine and their full stories will be published online.

** what about?**
Write any short story you want. Just make sure there is a Mama in there somewhere. It can be any genre, any style, from any ol' point of view. The only rule for content is: There must be a Mama in the story.

** how long?**
Keep it under 2500 words.

** where to?**
The best way is to attach your story as a word document and e-mail it to
(replace (at) with @). In the subject line write 'Short Story Submission' and your name. Or
Mail it old school to P.O Box xxxxx, Portland OR 97212.

** how much?**
$25 per story entry fee, or splurge and for $60 and I will mail back your story with comments.

Say, what, Mama?  Six-Oh-Clams for what? Your back wash on my fiction so you can line your pockets?  If you treated the dear woman who gave birth to me that way, I'd seriously have to slap you. Not cool, hipster.  Not cool.

(Thanks to the anonymous reader who sent this in.)

No Prize This Year--You Suck Too Much

Why do I try?  I don't know.  I guess where there's life, there's hope.  In this case, the editors at Graywolf decided that everyone who submitted a book of nonfiction was deemed sucky by the judge.  Myself included. No $12,000.00. No book contract.  That's always depressing.

Ridiculously Meaty Book Deal

Seriously...a bacon-wrapped, bacon-stuffed log of sausage turns into a six-figure book deal. One word for you: why? Maybe it's because I'm a vegetarian, but this makes me want to barf?

Twitter me Zeitgeist

I am always suspicious of people who use the word "zeitgeist" in daily parlance. So...um...yuck. (Or am I being totally jaded?)  Such a different tone from our friend's interview in yesterday's post.  Sadly it is the editors who are the buyers, and the agents, the sellers, which means the editors set the tone for today's books.  If you can't stomach the read.  Here's the upshot: "This fall [HarperCollins Publishers] will publish 21 new hardcover and paperback original titles under the It Books imprint, focusing on pop culture, sports, style and content derived from the Internet, like a planned collection of Twitter posts called Twitter Wit."  Oy.