See what you think of my proposal for an all-out standardized punch-list rejection form, useful, I submit, in any rejection situation:
Your style is nice, but would probably be better placed elsewhere because:
it's too long for us
it's the wrong genre for us
it's the wrong format for us
we have high standards and think you can make this much better
we think the only way to get this thing published is via self-publication
But:
we do like your characters
Perhaps you should submit this to: _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
(list as many appropriate alternates as possible)
Dear _____________ [fill in writer's actual name]:
Sorry this is a form letter, but:
we reject hundreds of manuscripts a day
we are really, really exhausted right now, not to mention a little lazy
we're rude as all hell, and make no apologies about it
we're rude as all hell, and make no apologies about it
that's life
We don't feel your submission is appropriate for us at this time because:
your writing style is inadequate at the most basic level. (Have you considered taking a writing class somewhere?)
your writing style is technically good, but you don't have anything to say; you should get some real life experience, or find a better topic
we don't care for this particular story at all; would anyone?
your story is proficient, but it's not to our liking
we are speechless, but not in a good way
your writing style is technically good, but you don't have anything to say; you should get some real life experience, or find a better topic
we don't care for this particular story at all; would anyone?
your story is proficient, but it's not to our liking
we are speechless, but not in a good way
it's too long for us
it's the wrong genre for us
it's the wrong format for us
we have high standards and think you can make this much better
we think the only way to get this thing published is via self-publication
But:
we do like your characters
we appreciate your concept
we dig your plot
we admire your writing
we marvel at your diabolical brain
we are fond of your metaphors
we approve your font choice
Perhaps you should submit this to: _________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
_________________________________________________
(list as many appropriate alternates as possible)
your family and friends only; there's nothing wrong with that
In the meantime, be assured that:
we'd like to see more of your work as you continue to develop your craft
if you write something that better fits our style and requirements, we'd be happy to take a look
we're just another bunch of bozos on the bus; what do we know?
we think you need to go back to the drawing board before you submit another story here, or anywhere, even to your mom
we think you're close to getting your work published; don't give up now
you really should never try us again; we won't change our minds about you
Finally, please keep in mind that:
your work is good, so you shouldn't be discouraged
your work is far off the mark, so you should be discouraged
one more rejection shouldn't make or break you;if you're a writer at heart (and we suspect you are), you'll learn to embrace rejection as a natural state of being
If your work is not enclosed with this note and you want it returned:
please contact ____________________________________ in our office via email only
send return postage
accept our apology because we've lost the damn thing
Your most humble publishing servant,
[signature here]
Revision ideas are welcome. If you approve, maybe we'll try to get it accepted as standard. I think it would reduce rejection time and humbly offer potentially useful information to writers. It would be interesting to get feedback from writers, as well as editors, agents, and literary journal publishers, don't you think?In the meantime, be assured that:
we'd like to see more of your work as you continue to develop your craft
if you write something that better fits our style and requirements, we'd be happy to take a look
we're just another bunch of bozos on the bus; what do we know?
we think you need to go back to the drawing board before you submit another story here, or anywhere, even to your mom
we think you're close to getting your work published; don't give up now
you really should never try us again; we won't change our minds about you
Finally, please keep in mind that:
your work is good, so you shouldn't be discouraged
your work is far off the mark, so you should be discouraged
one more rejection shouldn't make or break you;if you're a writer at heart (and we suspect you are), you'll learn to embrace rejection as a natural state of being
If your work is not enclosed with this note and you want it returned:
please contact ____________________________________ in our office via email only
send return postage
accept our apology because we've lost the damn thing
Your most humble publishing servant,
[signature here]
7 comments:
Good but you have to include the "we're out of money/can't afford to publish you/going under from lack of subscribers, ads, grant money and only accepted your submission to keep up appearances" option.
I actually like it. Think anyone will bite?
I like it, but I think you should add something like this rejection from a Chinese Economic Journal -
"We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for us to publish any work of a lower standard. As it is unthinkable that, in the next thousand years, we shall see its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your divine composition, and to beg you a thousand times to overlook our short sight and timidity."
Even though it's a joke, your form letter provides a bazillion-percent more feedback than the rejections I've received recently.
How about this one?
Sorry this is a form letter, but:
we reject hundreds of manuscripts a day and sorry to say yours is one of them.
that's life but keep a chin up, look what happen to that guy who wrote half the new testament. Or was that the Apostle Paul? Either way, if think one of them was crucified upside down so your life’s got to be better than that. Right?
You don't know how close I am in sending out something like this.
So cool! I will now print this on to a postcard and send as an SAE with submissions to publishers ;)
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