Rejection Self-Amusement: Very Important

Got this beauty in the mailbag yesterday:

Dear W/R:

Thought you, especially, might appreciate the below, which I recently sent out to some friends. I don't mind if you share it.

Cheers,
Chris


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Hi folks -
Thought y'all might get a kick out of this. Looking back over the many frustrations in 5 years of submitting multiple novels to multiple agents and publishers, the biggest by far has been those who show interest, request copies of the manuscript and then disappear, never to be heard from again. 

When this happens, about all you can do is continue to e-mail until, at some point, you wear them down and they deign to actually give you an official rejection. Fun, eh?

I confess that, after a year or more of unanswered e-mails from a particular person, I often lost it a bit and grew somewhat sarcastic. Recently, I've begun compiling some of the more entertaining exchanges from these past 5 years. Here's a few e-mails from me to various industry folks who, for whatever reason, proved incapable of sustaining correspondence.

-Chris

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Dear [Agent/Editor]

Just checking in once more to see if you've had a chance to take a look at the pages I sent. It is my sincere hope that you are not dead. That may sound overly dramatic, but the fact is that people die every day, and when they do, one of the first things that happens is they stop responding to e-mails.

Best,

Chris

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Dear [Agent/Editor]

Checking in once more to see if you've had a chance to review the chapters I sent you.

I must say: the one-sided nature of our correspondence as of late is going to make for some mighty dull reading when they publish the first volume of my "Collected Letters - 1991-2008 - The Struggling Years."

I urge you to write yourself into my saga while there's still time... a simple rejection note will suffice...

A man of your stature deserves more than a footnote. i.e: "requested material in fall of 2007 but correspondence ends here - " etc.

Best,

Chris

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Dear [Agent/Editor]

I want you to know that I deeply regret the souring of our relationship, virtual though it may be. I look back wistfully on the early days of our courtship: I wooed you with a query letter; you bantered back coquettishly by requesting some sample chapters... how innocent and untroubled it all seems now.

In retrospect, I can see how that marked the turning point, and it seems to have all gone downhill from there. I understand that every relationship has its summer, its fall, its inevitable wintering. Still, I cannot help but regret having driven you away from me. Was I too needy? Too distant? Did you begin to feel that I never really "saw" you? Did you feel trapped? Or were you afraid that *I* felt trapped?

Alas, winter is upon us, and regret cannot thaw the icicles that surround the heart.

In woe,

Chris

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Dear [Agent/Editor]

It's now been six months since you requested my manuscript. Could you at least do me the courtesy of an official rejection? I hate having a "blank" in the manuscript ledger. It's so untidy.

thanks,

Chris

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Dear [Agent/Editor] 

I myself have struggled with shyness from time to time over the years, so I don't want you to think me unsympathetic to your problem. Let me assure you that your inability to respond needn't become a debilitating handicap. Let's nip this thing in the bud right now, shall we? If you can muster up an official rejection of the manuscript you requested from me, I give you my word I will not react harshly. I'll be just as nurturing and supportive as can be. I ask you to trust me on this. You're safe here. Let's take this step together.

Sincerely,

Chris

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Dear [Agent/Editor]

As spring deepens into summer, my thoughts turn to that most precious of gifts: response. As the skin responds to the sun's rays by reddening, as the rooster answers the dawn with his mighty yawp, as Death answers us all in his own good time, I dream modestly of a response to my own queries.

But at this point I think Death's may precede yours.

Faithfully,

Chris

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Hey [Agent/Editor]

Just checking in to see where you're at with [novel]. I'm

35,000 words into the next novel already. Wouldn't that be a hoot if I

finished an entire novel in the time it took you to read 50 pages?

Fair warning: the new one's coming along quickly...

Best,

Chris

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Dear [Agent/Editor]

50,000 words and counting...

Best,

Chris

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Dear [Agent/Editor]

Thank you for your response. Unfortunately, due to the volume of form letter rejections I receive daily, I am unable to respond personally to each impersonal rejection. Please understand that this does not reflect unfavorably on your impersonal form letter rejection, which is very much appreciated. 

Best of luck,

Chris