Friday, April 11, 2008

What You're Doing All Wrong (by Just Trying to Be a Good Writer)

Or How to Succeed as A Writer:
  • The Rob Lowe (Lower Than Low) Approach: Write a proposal for the story of your life during the writer's strike, insist that only you should write the book, get the book in a huge bidding war for undisclosed sums....and then, oh yeah, decide you're too busy and cancel.
  • Dale Peck's Not-Sci-Fi Strategy: Insult other literary writers in print, and then hook up with a hugely successful television producer of a hugely successful show ("Heroes") and get a deal to write a so-called "alt history" triology for a cool $3 Million. 
  • Michael Chabon's Spider Bites: Be pretty famous and literary and award-winning anyway, but still let people download your defunct screenplay "Spider Man 2, The Film," just to keep it real (and also to sell copies of your new book of essays.)
  • The Dooce Plan: Write all sorts of shit about your work colleagues on your blog and get fired by your boss, who doesn't understand why you would do such a thing, then get involved in a law suit. When the suit settles, land a two book deal with Kennsington Rebel Base Books, which you should back out of and then get involved in another law suit.  Become so rich off your blog anyway that your husband can quit his job, too.
  • The Cake Walk (AKA Sloane Crosley takes over the world):  Be a 29-year-old book publicist with many, many, many media connections and get your book of essays way over exposed. Read a writing sample here, or here, or here....you decide if she has any talent.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sloane what's-her-name? Nope, no talent. Not much of a looker either.

Anonymous said...

Sloane Crosley is the best writer in the world. Her talent is huge. And that comes from the heart of my bottom. My large white bottom.

Anonymous said...

One of Crosley's essays is about how charmed her life is, and how much New York City loves her: every time she loses her wallet it's returned to her. Maybe the essay gets better in the end, but I couldn't finish it because I vomited on it.

Gloria, Writer Reading said...

Get an MBA and become the best Memo-Writer in your corporation.

Anonymous said...

Crosley's essays make me hock hairballs.

A Sexy Potato said...

Everyone, I know everyone hates a girl who's done well for herself. Hell, everyone hates a girl. But let me point out that there are more heinous crimes than being Sloane Crossley, and that three out of five of these choices are of the male persuasion. Let's spread the hate all over, shall we? That way, everyone gets their share.

Writer, Rejected said...

No anti-woman sentiment intended. The point here is that good writing is not what makes you successful: connections or gimmicks do. Listen, in this world of male-dominated writers, more power to the women who break through. I mean that from my heart.

Anonymous said...

Her essays are amazingly funny/smart/womanly. she deserves her success, have you read the one about her first boss? i saw TWO people reading them in public this week. Sorry to be late in the game but just stumbled across this very bitter site...