What You're Doing All Wrong (by Just Trying to Be a Good Writer)

Or How to Succeed as A Writer:

• The Rob Lowe (Lower Than Low) Approach: Write a proposal for the story of your life during the writer's strike, insist that only you should write the book, get the book in a huge bidding war for undisclosed sums....and then, oh yeah, decide you're too busy and cancel.
  
• Dale Peck's Not-Sci-Fi Strategy: Insult other literary writers in print, and then hook up with a hugely successful television producer of a hugely successful show ("Heroes") and get a deal to write a so-called "alt history" triology for a cool $3 Million. 
• Michael Chabon's Spider Bites: Be pretty famous and literary and award-winning anyway, but still let people download your defunct screenplay "Spider Man 2, The Film," just to keep it real (and also to sell copies of your new book of essays.)
• The Dooce Plan: Write all sorts of shit about your work colleagues on your blog and get fired by your boss, who doesn't understand why you would do such a thing, then get involved in a law suit. When the suit settles, land a two book deal with Kennsington Rebel Base Books, which you should back out of and then get involved in another law suit.  Become so rich off your blog anyway that your husband can quit his job, too.
• The Cake Walk (AKA Sloane Crosley takes over the world):  Be a 29-year-old book publicist with many, many, many media connections and get your book of essays way over exposed. Read a writing sample here, or here, or here....you decide if she has any talent.